At times this past year, especially recently, I've read parts of Patti Smith's best-selling memoir M Train. It not so easy writing about nothing. What a way to start off a book! You get a taste of the mind going to any station it wants in the very first chapter, titled Cafe Ino. Patti is at Cafe Ino, one of her favorite coffee shops. She starts a conversation with Zak, one of the employees who is completing his last day there and will open up a coffee shop of his own. She then starts talking about the coffee shop of her own she wanted once upon a time. At the conclusion of the chapter, she and Zak are wrapping up their conversation. Zak promises her free coffee every time she visits his new coffee shop.
A few days ago, I couldn't think of what to read. My mind was going in so many directions, yet I wanted to read something "mindless." What did I want to read from my personal book collection? Was there a certain book at McKay's Used Books or on Amazon I just had to have? I thought I'd re-read Obstacles Welcome. It's almost funny, un-accidental, that I was reading such a book as we're all still prisoners in our own homes, still getting through this pandemic. However, other than a few lines I had highlighted when I read it a few years ago, I lost interest in the book. Either my tastes in books have changed since then or it wasn't the book for me to read right now.
That's when I decided to re-read M Train. This time, I decided to read random chapters. There were some stories that stood out to me this third time, such as Clock With No Hands and Changing Channels. In the latter story, Patti starts it off with after "shed[ding] my coat, time to get on with it." She was referring to working on a poem or a story. However, she didn't do this work at her desk, though she had a laptop, a typewriter, and a Brother word processor, and was surrounded by "scores of notebooks...plies of napkins...dried-out ink bottles, encrusted nibs, cartridges for pens long gone, mechanical pencils emptied of lead. Writer's debris." My response to that: Uh-huh, yep.
All of these details led to Patti's need to write a hecatomb (a 100-line poem). She had been trying to write all through the holidays one year and worked on it on New Year's Eve. She ended up writing 101 lines and couldn't decide which line to take out.
I've been on my own M Train lately. I'm still waiting (desperately!) to get Writing Soulmates published. I've been longing for another published book. Yes, I know I've had some life changes since I published Active Waiting in November 2018. I've got so many great works in progress. What I currently have on Amazon is nothing compared to what I'm going to have. And I'm so anxious to publish all that I'm working on right now.
At the moment, I'm combatting the effects of allergies and...well...the inevitable, complex changes that happen at my age. This week especially, I've had good days and bad days. I've had days where I had difficulty concentrating and other days where I only wanted to write. Then there have been other days when all I wanted to do was rest. Other days, I battled between wanting to be left alone and wanting companionship. This internal battle continues for the extrovert I am whose love languages for friendships are words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time.
On Thursday especially, I was having a full day of it with "changes." That morning, I went for an injection to control their effects. I felt numb and out of sorts and therefore couldn't get there fast enough. I was almost to the point of tears when I told the nurse about what had been bothering me (and still is as I'm writing this). As she gave me the shot, she said what I had been feeling will go away. I just had to give my body some more time to adjust to the treatment I've been receiving.
This made me want to work on Kill the Locust. It would have allowed me to be more emotionally connected with Amy Freeman, the main character, who has a complex journey in overcoming endometriosis. However, on that day I was out and about, having to live everyday life. I wanted to scream out loud that it was only taking me away from what I felt was really important. By the time I got around to it, I was exhausted and all that came out were random words.
I'm glad to report that the new daytime nasal spray I've started taking for allergies is working well. All I want to do now is write. Everything seems clearer. I'm now just waiting for all of the physical and emotional effects during the current phase of my changes to even out. In spite of these two physical things going on with me, I still have so many ideas for Kill the Locust and for The Unknown, Beautiful Missing Piece. But then when I think about either or both of them, I get back on the figurative M Train. Should I read a book or watch another movie on Amazon Prime? Or what about that bill that is due in a few days? Or how about I call or text a friend?
Note to self: attempting to write on a beautiful Friday evening in early summer will not work. The same goes for watching a movie on Amazon Prime. I wanted to see how much more I can appreciate Reese Witherspoon's Just Like Heaven now that I'm a writer. I saw that movie for the first time in 2007...back when I had to drive all the way to Blockbuster to rent the DVD. Wow! Hard to believe we once did that.
Although the movie really was captivating, as soon as I started watching it, I realized how much I had been sitting most of the day. How could I not go outside for a walk? So I put on my shoes and headed outside. It really was a beautiful day. And when I say that during summer in all its hindering humidity, it's true.
When my husband finally got home after working at his second job, I was exhausted, to the point where I could barely lift a fork to eat. Though I was beyond spent when we sat down to eat, as I was filling my stomach with this much-needed though light dinner, I realized I needed to boot up my already-overworked laptop...to pay a bill. In spite of being more than ready to read and sleep, I made the payment and slept peacefully.
It's now a Saturday morning. The only place I need to be at right now is right here at my desk. So many things on my mind. I'm still feeling numb, among many other things, from changes. Whatever I write, it will be good. If it doesn't appear to be that way, it's okay. Maybe it is better than I realize.
And yes, it is better than I realize. As I sat here in front of my laptop Sunday afternoon into the evening, I thought of an even better way to start off Kill the Locust. Then the most awesome thing followed: I wrote an even better chapter 2 and chapter 3.
It's Monday morning. I think this week is off to a good start. One of the things I need to do is continue to read random parts of M Train and to appreciate the author I have become and how my mind, body, and life circumstances will eventually all work well.
